TMI? Maybe.

Ack! It’s 11:55. My designated spot in the Mothers’ Room (pumping room, milk mama room) is 11:30 and I missed it. I look online to find the calendar for the room, booked until 1:30. I have a 1:30 meeting. This means that the first time I will be able to pump in the room is 2:00. Doing this will not allow me the time to get in the two pumping sessions that I need so Addie has enough milk for tomorrow.

Now what? I will try the bathroom in the basement. Damn! It’s in use, back to my desk. Minutes later I try again. Score! Bathroom is open. Not Score! Bathroom smells like pooh.

I stopped using the bathroom basement to pump when they changed the amount of time needed between motion and the lights turning off but this was going to have to work, I am in a pinch.

I wash my hands, plug my nose (not literally, as I need two hand to pump) and get my gear all set up. After 10 minutes… bam, darkness. Now what? I stand, breast shields attached to the boobs (sorry, dad) and it’s pitch black in this room. Now this wouldn’t be so bad if the light sensor like at Babies R Us and Archivers (yes, I’ve pumped in these places too) was in the room. I’ve danced around, breast shields attached (sorry anyone else who didn’t really want this vision) and the lights miraculously turned back on. However, in the bathroom in the basement of MPR the sensor is OUTSIDE of the room. And not just outside the room, outside the door and down a little hallway. It’s not like I can just scoot down there, breast shields attached and wave my hand in front of the light switch. Can you imagine?

So, I stand in the bathroom, which is not an ideal place anyway to be making my babies food, in the dark. I close my eyes and think a variety of things: why oh why me? I hate pumping! How do other mothers do this? I’m just not cut out to be a mom. I’m selfish and I don’t want to pump another stinkin’ day!

I turn off my pump, pack up my gear all by feel hoping that I don’t tip over the four ounces that I’ve managed to pump down the drain because I can’t SEE to put the caps on! I pull my 10 pound pump up over my shoulder, walk down the pitch black hallway and click, the light turns on.

It’s been eight months and thirteen days since I’ve been pumping. A month ago Addie got her first tooth. She bites me at the end of every nursing session, every single one. I tell myself every week that I will no longer pump, but I keep going and going.